Life has been difficult this past weeks, and I didn't feel like been on the computer that much as I used to.
First I was planning on doing my thesis next semester, it was going to be about a dream I had..... a scrap booking magazine in Spanish, I tried really hard to have my project ready for approval so I could sign up for the tutorial last Saturday, the Dean approved it but I couldn't sing up, my old school mess up with my paper and I don't have all the credits for the thesis and the people who is suppose the check my file isn't working this week so I don't know if they are going to let me sign up next week, all I can do is pray.
I feel so dump why I didn't check that a few moth earlier!! I should have done that when I change from that crappy university to my new school, I'm afraid I might not graduate with my friends, I might not be able to graduate at all next year so I'm going to lost another semester, I don't want that to happen!!! I NEED to finish this soon I don't want to be 27 and still in college, all my high school friends have already graduated and they are working and having a real life. I'm stuck here feeling like a looser.
I need to work and make my own money, I hate having this conversations with my mom about money, that I shouldn't depend on anyone, as she said to have money of my own to spend it in what ever I want, I know that, but I can't do it if I have to go to classes and do more stupid homework, I can’t do the full time job and study. maybe sign up for 2 career was way to much for me, besides It's a miracle I finish high school I don’t know why I'm doing this anymore.
On Wednesday I try to talk to my boyfriend on the phone about his attitude with me the past few months because I was feeling unhappy, he's been distant and he didn't care about what I do, just an example he haven't seen my pics of my trip to Alabama, he wasn't at the airport when I came back, little things that he used to do to make me happy, it was weird one day he was all happy and the next one he was completely indifferent and when I need him to support me because I was under a lot of stress all he did was trying to piss me off, he didn't stop bugging me until I was really mad. Like he wanted me to fight with him for no real reason.
Our conversation didn't go well, as I understand he broke up with me, he have a lot of problem in his life too that he need to work out, he agree he wasn’t acting like prince charming, and he was avoiding the conversations with me until he figure out what to do but I pressure him to talk, and I heard things I didn’t want to hear, like he is not ready to marry me because he can’t give me a big house and the life I’m used to, I don’t work and he need someone next to him to be as equal and have the same goals in life, he ended the conversation saying no matter what happened I should always have to keep visiting my god daughter ( my baby is his niece and live next to him, so I see her when I’m at his house)
Well he found out that after 9 years of knowing me. On Thursday he sends me a txt message asking me how I sleep, because he didn’t sleep all nigh, the answer was obvious, I was feeling like crap I cry all night, specially after what he told me. Then he came to my home to talk to me, he said that he wasn’t breaking up with me, that I misunderstood what he said about the house and the money, and every thing after that was so confusing, all I understand is that he need help from a psychologist, he was going to start therapy that night, he also said there was someone else that was calling him every day and sending him more than friendly messages but they where just friends. I can’t say anything because I had a friend like that a few years ago and try to break up with him, I didn’t do it, and I love him way to much to leave him. His is really important in my life.
When he left he kisses me in the forehead and said that I should let him fix his problem, I didn’t have to worry because he wasn’t breaking up with me.
I just don’t get it, the next day he was taking me to my lss as every Friday, and he was talking and talking like nothing happened, he ask me why I was so quiet, I said I couldn’t act like there where nothing wrong, like nothing happened, ok was his answer.
The weekend past like normal, he came here we watch some movies, like 2 friends no hugs no kisses and when he left he hug me and kiss me in the neck, that’s all. No sweetie I love you or anything, I can’t deal with this, all I want to do is cry, I can’t be happy or act normal, I try to stay calm when he is here but as soon as he close the door I cry like a crazy.
To make things better I’m sick my whole body hurts I have the flu, and aunt flo is coming this week. My life is miserable, I hate it, I want this pain to go away, it’s killing me, I want to know where we are in our relationship, I’m missing him so much.